On December 25th, 2019, I officially became 40 years old. It has been a long road to this age and this is the first time in my life where I wasn’t excited. I was not inspired or thrilled to throw a party or even celebrate it in someway.
First it was due to the fact that most of my close friends have moved hundreds of miles away and my loneliness has crept in due to not being around them as often as I would have liked. Secondly, I walked away from a career I’ve invested many years in and now I am incredibly lost and mostly unfocused. Third, getting old is not something to celebrate, anymore. Or so I think.
This is not your “positive” post but more of a raw look at my struggles this year and the challenges I have been facing throughout the last few months. It’s been incredibly hard. I have been always the one with the five year or the ten year plan and now that I have no plan, it feels like I am flying but with no parachute. I am at a huge crossroads with my life: should I continue this blog or should I go back to teaching or go back to school for a new career? If I had to answer this question, the answer would be yes, no, and no.
I would love to continue this blog but I am struggling. I really do not know what to do with it or in what direction to go. One minute I think I am doing alright and then the next I feel like I have no idea. I see others doing really well and I do wonder what their secret is. I try not to compare myself to others, but let’s face it, that’s hard when you’re at the bottom. Especially when you’ve been on top in so many other areas in your life.
I want to remain out of teaching. It is not the life for me. Some teachers have it great working in a great district with an amazing administration but if you’re ever at a school where the leader is a bully, then it makes teaching a chore and hell. I want to be in an environment where I can only work for myself and only allow my self worth to be defined by me.
Going back to school has been on my mind lately but I am unsure of what to study and which career would help make a decent amount of money. I mean, I do need to pay the rent and save up for retirement.
I mentioned these ideas to my husband during my birthday dinner and he simply told me that I care too much about chasing money and what everyone else thinks of me. I looked at him and was about to become pretty defensive but then I realized he was right. He was right about everything. I grew up in a household with a mom always chasing money and always worrying about what others thought of us and it was simply ingrained in me to always “make money” and “look what everyone else had”. I knew that I couldn’t do this blog to just “make money”, I mean it wasn’t even my intention anyway but that idea has been stressing me out so much that I have lost my focus. I couldn’t work at a career just to “do something” and I couldn’t go back to school to find another job that “pays well”. I had to just focus on making myself happy.
So, on my 40th I learned that I had to stop. I had to stop living for my pentacles and I had to stop worrying about what others thought of me. Their opinion does not matter and chasing money will just keep me at “chasing money”. It’s still a mindset that I need to work on and I know it will continuously creep up on me but at least I am more aware of it now.
I hope this post has helped anyone else going through this struggle and to know you’re not alone. Becoming older shouldn’t be a burden but more an enlightenment stage where we can be the better version of ourselves. – Peace and Love